Thoughts of the day

The thoughts running through my head are crazy right now. Its a busy time of year filled with family and friends . I really do not want to have surgery on my hubby's birthday but such is life . It could be worse than on his birthday  it sucks I have to have it at all . Wow I went in for a checkup and was told that I needed surgery I know I was in pain all the time . I really do not want to give up the choice to have more kids but I have three beautiful  girls and they are each a blessing. I hate I will not be able to have anymore kids but I was blessed to have any and three are just beyond what I could have ever hoped for . I am praying that they do not have to take my ovaries out but health is what is more important . Carlie turns 11 on the 8th of January seems like just yesterday my baby girl Carlie was born and now I have three kiddos loving me and driving me up the walls . Just kidding love them more than anything :) . I am surrounded by love and for me that is awesome coming from where I did . Time to move onto the next chapter and becoming a new better me for the awesome new year , God Bless to everyone

Moving on

I am moving on in my anger in my loss and it is a slow but a steady process I feel as though it will lead me to a better , happier life. Too many things happened and too many unanswered  questions that I would like to have answers to . But I survived not the same person but I made it with God's help. He lifted me up and made me who I am . I refuse to let others doubt and issues bring me down any longer . I need to make every day count and enjoy what time here I have . I will never understand why things happened to me or why people thought it was okay . Forgiveness is not easy and it will be a lifetime of work to be at peace . I will work this issue until all the tears I cry are dried and I feel beyond it all . People say just let it go its not that simple . There is too many emotions that involved . I am a mother , wife ,christian and I have allowed  all these things to  affect me and the people around me . I am not allowed the time to get over things and to move on from them at my own pace. I have forgiveness for the most part but moving past somethings is hard . Anger always comes up in the end . I would love relationships with certain people but I feel as though they treat me like I am a child . I am a grown women and can feel the way I feel . I am allowed to feel pain and anger . When I tell someone their words make me feel that way how about  if that is not what you meant how about rewording it then instead of treating me like I'm foolish or trying to turn or hurt you . I was simpling stating how your words and actions sometimes make me feel . I feel like you do not take me or my feelings or thoughts seriously . You say you want a relationship but there is alot of hurt and you cannot expect it to go away in one day or over a little time . Comparing me to our father was rather uncalled for I am not like him in my relationships at all . If you feel I am than you really have never known me for the real me . I would bend over back words to help people so it hurts a little to see you think so little of me . I am living my life with my family as you do but I refuse to want to induce stress  . If you ever want to actually be apart of my life you know my number and address and have means to get in touch with me . I do not drive and everyone who knows me knows that . I will call or email  you . I wish you the best with your family and life and if you decide you want me and my girls apart of it thats great if not then I will accept that and move on like I did with our mother who wanted nothing to do with me . I never did nothing to her and I am not innocent in our relationship but not at fault completely eighter . Hope to hear from you the weather is getting nicer outside and I have a stroller and we could always go for a stroll at the hillside park . This is me making the effort :) I  wish our lives would have been easier but  God gave us what he thought we could handle.

random pics

Thought of the day

My life is great compared to where I started from the person I was due to circumstance . I was born into a family that really did not want or need children . I was abused in every way possible and was not loved by the people that brought me into this life . Too many people came and have left my life making promises and leaving through the same door they came in . As a child  you always blame yourself and then your self worth  is destroyed . I am working on this every second of each day. I am not a person who can claim perfection as most cannot. I am a person of many faults but I do try to do my best by others . I try to please other to a fault even if it hurts me sometimes. I have learned that I cannot please everyone . I have learned in the end my family and myself come after God and then others . Otherwise you lead a stressful , unhappy life . I am trying my best and those who understand that have remained in my life those who don't have left . I want it that way .it works best for me . I been through alot and it has made me who I am today .

My Wendy

My baby girl is One Today !

My Evelynn turns one today how the time flies. I remember the day of her birth like it was yesterday. I was not expecting her until June so at 3am when my water broke I was rather surprised . She just did not want to wait anymore. I held her in my arms and new I was really blessed with a wonderful child. She smiles a big smile all the time and loves to giggle and laugh . I cannot imagine my life without her . I love all my daughters and being blessed like I have been is a comfort I never thought I would have . I thank god everyday for what he does and will do for my family . Happy Birthday Evelynn Elaine Walker may your life be filled with joy and laughter and your heart know love and peace and if sorrow should pass your way . May you lift you eyes and count on Jesus as me and your father have taught you . May your life be filled with his mercy and everlasting love and I hope and pray you know him always . These are just a few things I wish for you . My daughter I love you more than you will ever know and am truly blessed to call you daughter and you call me mom .

Today's thoughts so far

Evelynn is growing up so fast she tuns one next month and Wendy will be turning nine oh how time flies . I am raising three beautiful girls knowing the lord and knowing they will grow up to be wonderful woman. I am one blessed woman . Nothing is going to hold me back no more and if you are laughing now oh well my hubby never held me back I did . I had no self worth but I know that I was hurting myself . I am raising these girls and I am doing a good job . They have issues like everyone but they are overall great . They get good grades are polite and love the lord .

So many things going on today making deviled eggs, and filling Easter eggs , doing dyed eggs and cleaning house . Its been a busy but great day enjoying doing all this stuff . Going to have a huge hunt tomorrow with the girls and taking lots of pics. Thinking about how things are changing and loving it . Thinking about what is happening next but letting everything go . Feels great to turn it all over. I talked to an old friend of mine and realized I am who I am and if people don't like it then I can do nothing about it and why would I want to change for someone who does not appreciate all the things I do . I am actually pretty dang nice . I am over trying to please everyone . My life is too full of people who deserve my time and attention than to waste it on those who don't . Loving the freedom of not worrying about what others think . I know people don't care for some things my hubby does .oh well your problem not mine . I choose to deal with it because I love him no matter what like I said in my vows . Does it make me angry sometimes sure but that is my issue . I am no longer going to complain and I have not in awhile actually . I put my fears into the lord and tell my girls the right things . I know my hubby has some strange ideas on things but I raise my kids . I do I discipline them not him other than every once in awhile . I do the homework I am the one they run to for everything and I love it that way do not want it any other way . They love their dad but I am their mom and information station and come on they are not dumb they know daddy is unique lol .I really can give a care less anymore if I lose friends than you were not my real friend anymore anyway and good bye . I would give you the shirt off my back or anything if you really need it and I can really give it too you but I refuse to hurt myself and my family anymore for others who don't feel the same for me . I have peace for the first time in a long time . The weight has been lifted thanks god for everything and the message was heard . Cannot live for anyone but you lord .

Today's thoughts so far

So today we are celebrating the wonderful but too short life of Maddie . This is my Evelynn 11months old . We are going to take all three girls and release balloon's later and take lots of pics.

She went to be with Jesus and she is greatly missed by her mom Kellie and her family. She has touched so many lives and I believe that she watches over alot of people. Maddie's story as as well as other babies who left too soon reminds us all to hold out children and family tight because you are not promised tomorrow and that you love for today and make it the best you can . I have had a wonderful day so far with my youngest Evelynn she is wearing pink for Maddie today . She wore a bow for a little bit . She has a few outfit changes already but all pink . Right now she is wearing a pink oneise I found with flowers and ink and red ladybugs that says mommy's little girl . love it. She is full of smiles today . Wendy came home yesterday telling me she has a crush and thinks he is going to ask her to be his girlfriend. Wow how times flies she is only going to be 9 this coming May . I still remember the first moment she kicked me when I was preggo with her and now some boy at school wants to date her =( . She is still my baby in my eyes . I asked her what a boyfriend does or means and she says the boy is nice to me and tells me how pretty I am . I told her that she had a crush which is fine but no kissing which she said gross mom and that she is too young to be really dating that she is not going to date for real until she is around 15 to 16 yrs old . She told me that is cool and that she is going to tell him they are boyfriend and girlfriend but her mommy says there are rules and that they are like friends who have a crush on each other . Oh lord it was not the funniest talk . She does understand though that they are not going anywhere together and that no physical contact is to be made other than a hug lol . Mommy is very anal about this lol and she asked about holding hands I said I would have to get back to her on that one lol . But over all a great few days and my girls are getting older so fast

Hormel kids meals

She speaks gave me the chance to try four of their kids meals with my kids. Wendy is our picky eater and she is 8 going to be 9 in May . She loved them and gave me no trouble eating. This is really cool because she ususally does not just eat and its usually a fight for her to eat it . Carlie is my 10 yr. old and she is not picky but she is a bit hefty and she loved these meals and they are good for her too. I have an 11 month old named Evelynn and I gave her some of the sauce on all the meals and bitty bites of pasta and she loved it too . So I would say go out and try these with your kids because mine sure liked them . =)

Learning about my mother in laws loss

My mother in law is a mom to seven children. Two who still are on earth and five that left this world too soon. She does not talk often about her angel babies . It saddens me to think she has never grieved for those children she lost . She cried a little but then moved it into the back of her mind and I guess she pretends it didn't happen . She admits every blue moon it happen but will not really talk about it other than to say it was the worst thing to happen . I know that she carried at least one to five months preggo and that the doctors did not have much to say as in comfort or why it happened. I know about this because when I was preggo with Evelynn a blood test came back bad and we had to go see a specialist. The specialist asked about my family and my hubby's family . My mother in law went to the apt and she told the doctor I was sitting there in shock learning of the fact that she has lost so many Children . I looked at her her head hung low and one tear sliding down her cheek and the doctor asked a few questions. Of course I flipped out thinking anything could go wrong . Luckily Evelynn turned out to be fine . I talked to Elaine the other day about her angels and that they were in heaven waiting on her and that one day she is going to be surprised by all her little angels when she gets to see them again . She told me she could not start grieving now because then she would grieve until her dying day . She said that when she was going through this it was when people were told that she should be happy for the children she had and to just try again . After losing five children she said her heart could not take anymore and gave up on having anymore kids. She tells me all the time that she wishes she could have had more kids but it was not meant to be and that she looks at her grandchildren and it takes some not all of the pain away. I wish there was more I could do for her but I do not want to bring up anything that could cause her pain she has already been through so much .

Letter to the my girls

My wish for you girls is that you know more than anything I love you and that you are my world. I was told a long time ago that I would never have any children and I have been blessed by god to have children and every moment I realize how blessed I am . Watching you grow from babes to ladies has and is a pleasure . I can only hope that God will bless me to watch you grow into women and see you marry if you want and have kids if you wish . I dream you will have anything and everything you need and some of your desires and that that your lives are filled with joy and not too much pain. I want to see you enjoy life but for you to know how blessed you are as well. I am so proud each and everyday for everything you do and when you fall that you get up dust off and try again . I am grateful for the life that I have and the life I am leading and getting the pleasure of raising you . I know daddy loves you more than anyone or anything in this life and that he is afraid that you do not know it enough and that something might happen to him . He has written letters to each of you in the possibility that something happens but I want to tell you that he loves you more than life itself and would die for you in a second and that you have soften his heart more than you will ever know and for that I am grateful . You made mommy and daddy better people and we are so happy to be you parents and honored that god chose us to be your parents . It is not always easy but its worth every second or all the tears and frustration and lost sleep . You are the most important part of our lives and we are extremely blessed .

I sit here writing knowing how blessed I am as I gaze into my child's eyes today. All three of my children and know that I am truly blessed . I never thought a blog could affect my life so but it has .I pray that Maddie's mom and Dad can find peace . I will remember Maddie she has taught me to be thankful for everyday that I have and to appreciate my kids and my life and to hug my kids and squeeze them tight everyday because you are not promised the next second of this day or the next breathe you or your love ones take . If I were to die today I would die knowing that all my children know that they are loved and that if anything bad were to happen to my girls I know that they would go to heaven knowing that I love them and would see them soon. That and my faith in God and my knowing that I am going to Heaven are what matters most to me .I have made it my goal to walk through life loving those who truly love me and giving them my best self . This is how I choose to honor God and the memory of a little girl I never knew or met but that touched my heart and changed my life . I always loved my children but I hold onto them stronger and hug them longer and say I love them more and more because you never know what may happen . Cannot wait to met Maddie in heaven and tell her thank you but I know she hears my words to her everyday . I am sure she is playing in heaven and smiling down on everyone .

Evelynn and Carlie and Wendy

Evelynn now has four teeth and counting lol . Carlie is now taller than Ben lol he is the one that mentioned it lol. Wendy is taking on more at home and becoming a little lady and the whining has all but gone away of course every now and again but one reminder and she stops . I am a very blessed woman blessed with all the people in my life. My older girls are making ab honor roll and have been for several years . They have always done chores but now they are doing more and are earning an allowances . It is so cool to see them grow and learn . Evelynn is so neat to watch her grow and see how the girls watch with wonder they are so wonderful with her . Help her and try to entertain her .Their fav. thing to do it to put on plays for her with talking animals which they use their stuff animals its really cute .

Happy Days and thoughts on things

Loving spending time with my family and just relaxing .I am so blessed for all God has given to me and knowing that with all his blessings I give him the glory . Wishing I could go see my friend Vanessa . She told me she will be coming down here soon and we are going to go hang out . Love spending time with old friends and catching up on everything . I know so many friends from high school that serve our country and I pray that they all come home safe and sound . Cannot wait to see the girls and how much they have grown pictures do not do it justice . Cannot wait to have some time to just relax and reflect on the things.

Spending alot of time with my best friends. You know you are really good when they give you crap and its okay because it comes from the heart and not out of them being mean or cruel . If you disagree on something it does not cost you the friendship . That is a true friendship and that I am thankful for . Sometimes it may hurt my feelings a little but I can go through it .Its the people who say things to hurt you or spite you or try to start shit that are the problem . They say it for the wrong reasons . It comes from the wrong place and it does matter why you say things and how you say them . If I tell someone something they may not want to hear but I tell them with good intentions and I am trying to help them and not start stuff or hurt their feelings or cause problems then that is cool . I have some truly amazing people in my life . There are quite a few really great people in my life . They are the ones who call for no reason just to see how your day is going. They are the ones who are always there . The ones there through the years and even if you have an issue you always come back together in friendship .I am one lucky and blessed woman and so is my family .

Letter to the world

I have come to realize that some people do not get that for me its always been hard to not think if people understand or get me but you know what I am so tired and tired of the stress it brings . I have come to the point of this. If you don't like who I am you are the one missing out. I go out of my way to help others whether family, friends, or strangers so I know I am good. I do not need to prove it to anyone . I will not get to heaven through good works but that does not mean that I will stop doing my best to help others it is what I do . Will I always second guess and think in the back of my head what others think . Yeah most likely but you know what I am better for it . I know the world does not revolve me I never said it did . I do care what others think because sometimes it keeps me in check from doing things that I might regret later like saying things I should not or doing things I should never do . I will refrain from voicing my fears at my own choosing . My life is filled with blessings and I am grateful for the things and people I have . I have alot of good friends and wonderful kids and family . I have some good acquaintances and that is all good too . The haters can hate if they want to waste their breathe and time . I am done trying to please everyone its not possible . Too busy to fill it with nonsense and worrying about other people . Oh and this is not aimed at anyone its a letter to world with my thoughts and intentions .

My day today

I have been having a great day today . I feel so blessed for all the things and people in my life . The kids I have been given . At one point in my life I was told that I would never have childern and now I have three wonderful girls and they are my life . It can be alot to handle at times but it is so rewarding they try their hardest to be the best they can be and that make me one proud parent . I look at my life today and I am in wonder years ago before I was married I never thought I would be here . I thought my life was pointless and that noone would ever love me and I was beyond wrong I know love from God and from my family and friends . I am no longer the lonely girl walking anlone in life waiting to die and leave this cruel world but a woman sharing my dreams and life with the wonderful people god has placed in my life and the people I meet if only for a brief moment . I am truly blessed