Update from the snowy mountains

What a blessing it's been and it's been so long since I wrote in this blog. Moving  to colorado saved my marriage.  We started over I am so grateful.  I am closer to God as well I study the bible more and we try to go to church as much as we can.My middle child got baptized and saved and I'm over the moon happy about that. We spend our time together as a family with each other not out with others who are out to hurt us. Even though things are tough right now with our health issues and we miss Conroe,Texas and home we have no plans of going back. The snow is cold and the winter is harsh here or gets in the negatives buts it's beautiful and it reminds me how much beauty is surrounding me everyday.  I hope my sister knows how much I miss her and the kids it's been surreal. Almost losing Jimmy made me realize how fragile life is and how quick or unexpectedly it ends,  and I don't plan on wasting my life. I plan on  making the best  I can with as many people I can family and friends alike  . I  rather be in a good place . There is such beauty and such ugly in the world I rather add beauty than help add ugly .I plan on walking god's plan for me as best as I can whatever he has called me to be or do.

So glad I'm doing an overhaul on my life. I've been going through some issues but it's okay I know I'm going through it to be stronger on the other side.I've learned to voice my feelings and thoughts and be okay not being everyone's cup of tea. It's freeing to be able to say what I feel and not constantly worried what others are thinking. I'm allowed to be happy,angry,sad and so forth.I'm learning to express or it comes back to haunt me and I'm not willing time have that life anymore. It's still hard but I'm working on it . I'm working hard to be the person I want to be and I'm not giving in and letting go for anything .

I'm not here one this earth to impress anyone. I have tried for so long to make other people happy even if it hurt myself.I wish no I'll will to anyone but I'm moving on because I'm done with trying to please others and people thinking they can have no respect for me and mine.People only treat you bad if you allow it.I have been going to therapy and I know now to be a happy person I have to let go and be open about things and voice my feelings and if people can't respect that than it's better to distance or remove them.I am a woman of faith I don't shove it down people's throats .I make mistakes and sin but I admit and grow and learn from them.I'm on a new adventure in life one taking me to new heights. I'll lose people along the way I'm sure and that's okay. I'm becoming a better version of myself and I'm not seeking anyone's approval but God. I know in my heart I'm doing what's right and what is for the best. Wish nothing but blessings for those who are no longer in my life. I feel as though not being in each others lives is what is best for everyone involved. I deserve respect, love and happiness and a life filled with blessing and as drama free and as little chaos as possible. 

So life is going on it sometimes feels lightning fast and at other times its going by so slow . I love my family and all my friends god has blessed me beyond belief.

Thoughts of the day

The thoughts running through my head are crazy right now. Its a busy time of year filled with family and friends . I really do not want to have surgery on my hubby's birthday but such is life . It could be worse than on his birthday  it sucks I have to have it at all . Wow I went in for a checkup and was told that I needed surgery I know I was in pain all the time . I really do not want to give up the choice to have more kids but I have three beautiful  girls and they are each a blessing. I hate I will not be able to have anymore kids but I was blessed to have any and three are just beyond what I could have ever hoped for . I am praying that they do not have to take my ovaries out but health is what is more important . Carlie turns 11 on the 8th of January seems like just yesterday my baby girl Carlie was born and now I have three kiddos loving me and driving me up the walls . Just kidding love them more than anything :) . I am surrounded by love and for me that is awesome coming from where I did . Time to move onto the next chapter and becoming a new better me for the awesome new year , God Bless to everyone

Moving on

I am moving on in my anger in my loss and it is a slow but a steady process I feel as though it will lead me to a better , happier life. Too many things happened and too many unanswered  questions that I would like to have answers to . But I survived not the same person but I made it with God's help. He lifted me up and made me who I am . I refuse to let others doubt and issues bring me down any longer . I need to make every day count and enjoy what time here I have . I will never understand why things happened to me or why people thought it was okay . Forgiveness is not easy and it will be a lifetime of work to be at peace . I will work this issue until all the tears I cry are dried and I feel beyond it all . People say just let it go its not that simple . There is too many emotions that involved . I am a mother , wife ,christian and I have allowed  all these things to  affect me and the people around me . I am not allowed the time to get over things and to move on from them at my own pace. I have forgiveness for the most part but moving past somethings is hard . Anger always comes up in the end . I would love relationships with certain people but I feel as though they treat me like I am a child . I am a grown women and can feel the way I feel . I am allowed to feel pain and anger . When I tell someone their words make me feel that way how about  if that is not what you meant how about rewording it then instead of treating me like I'm foolish or trying to turn or hurt you . I was simpling stating how your words and actions sometimes make me feel . I feel like you do not take me or my feelings or thoughts seriously . You say you want a relationship but there is alot of hurt and you cannot expect it to go away in one day or over a little time . Comparing me to our father was rather uncalled for I am not like him in my relationships at all . If you feel I am than you really have never known me for the real me . I would bend over back words to help people so it hurts a little to see you think so little of me . I am living my life with my family as you do but I refuse to want to induce stress  . If you ever want to actually be apart of my life you know my number and address and have means to get in touch with me . I do not drive and everyone who knows me knows that . I will call or email  you . I wish you the best with your family and life and if you decide you want me and my girls apart of it thats great if not then I will accept that and move on like I did with our mother who wanted nothing to do with me . I never did nothing to her and I am not innocent in our relationship but not at fault completely eighter . Hope to hear from you the weather is getting nicer outside and I have a stroller and we could always go for a stroll at the hillside park . This is me making the effort :) I  wish our lives would have been easier but  God gave us what he thought we could handle.